


It Has Always Been You

by squirtturtle665



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-03-05 09:36:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3115199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squirtturtle665/pseuds/squirtturtle665
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke never loved Finn as much as he loved her. After he shot eighteen people at Lincoln's village, Clarke knew she belonged with someone else. Takes place between 2x05 and 2x06 during the two day time skip and continues through the end of season 2 and beyond. Enjoy:)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

The entire way back to camp, Clarke didn't touch Finn, Clarke didn't talk to Finn, Clarke didn't even look at Finn, but Clarke couldn't stop thinking about Finn. She had just witnessed the boy she thought she loved kill eighteen innocent people. It didn't matter whether he thought she was being held there, he never should've pulled that trigger. When Bellamy told Clarke that Finn had changed, she didn't want to believe it. Now, she was forced to believe it. Her mind was overloaded with thoughts of anger and sadness and confusion, but she showed nothing on the outside. 

Finn also had a lot of emotions running through his head, mainly confusion. He just got Clarke back, why wasn't she happy about it? He did what he had to do to find her. That's all they'd ever been doing, right? Seeing Clarke walk next to Bellamy made him feel a world away from her. How much had he missed since her and Bellamy reunited?

The only thing Murphy felt was awkward and out of place. There was obvious tension between Finn and Clarke and surprisingly, tension between Bellamy and Clarke, too. He made a mental note to ask Bellamy about it later. Octavia was trailing behind him and Finn, and Murphy was actually worried that she was going to slice Finn up into little pieces for killing Lincoln's people.

Bellamy had caught up to Clarke, and they were walking pretty far ahead of Finn and Murphy. "Clarke," he said hesitantly. 

She shook her head. "Don't, Bellamy. Not here." 

"You can't avoid him forever."

"He's completely out of his mind. Talking to him now won't get us anywhere."

Bellamy looked back at Finn who was walking slowly and staring at the ground the whole time. "He loves you, Clarke."

"He didn't shoot them because he loves me. He shot them because, deep down, he knew we weren't there. All the love that I had for him just died with those eighteen people." 

Bellamy stopped in his tracks, shocked at Clarke's tone. He knew that she wouldn't stop loving Finn because of this. Something else had changed, and he was going to figure out what it was.  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Bellamy and Clarke went to Abby as soon as they got back to Camp Jaha to explain what happened. Abby decided that she'd give Finn a few days to cool off before they made a decision on what to do with him. In the meantime, he wouldn't be allowed to leave camp or have access to any kind of weapon. Finn was a loose cannon, and Abby seemed to recognize that more than anyone.

Later that day, Bellamy found Clarke pacing inside the Ark by herself. She looked like she was debating whether she should murder Finn or not and like she was seriously considering it. 

Bellamy was amused. "You're pissed," he observed, leaning against the doorframe. 

"You're damn right I'm pissed." She turned and paced towards Bellamy, shaking her hands out. "I need to punch something." 

Bellamy's amusement towards the situation vanished. He went to grab Clarke's arm, but he was too late. She drilled her fist as hard as she could into the concrete wall of the Ark. She immediately winced and squatted down, regretting the decision. 

Bellamy got down in front of her to look at her already swollen, bloody hand. He tried prying Clarke's fingers open, but when he saw how much pain she was in, he stopped. His eyebrows were knit in concern. "Try punching something softer next time, maybe?" He suggested. 

Clarke chuckled a little and used her other hand to wipe a few tears away. "Yeah, maybe."

"Come on, I'll take you to medical."

Clarke let Bellamy hold her balled up fist in his hand on the walk to the neighboring room in the Ark. She was still seething mad, and Bellamy could sense it through her silence.  
He led her over to a chair. "Wait here, I'll go get your mom." 

"It doesn't even hurt that much. I'll just wrap it up," Clarke protested.

Bellamy crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Oh, really? Unclench your fist then," he challenged. 

Clarke gritted her teeth as she tried to open her bruised, bleeding hand. Her fingers felt like they weighed fifty pounds each with sharp knives going through each of them. She squeezed her eyes shut and bit her lip so hard that it started bleeding. 

She gave up and opened her eyes back up to see Bellamy with a huge smirk of victory on his face. "I'll be right back, don't move."

Less than two minutes later, Abby was running through the door with Bellamy trailing behind. She took Clarke's hand in hers. "What happened?"

Bellamy couldn't stop the wide smirk from growing on his face. "She punched a wall," he simply said before Clarke could get a word in. 

Abby gave her a disapproving look but didn't say anything about it. Clarke peered around her mom to glare at Bellamy. "You just find everything so damn amusing, don't you?" 

He chuckled. "Listen, I hate seeing you in pain, but this situation is a little amusing."

Clarke just rolled her eyes then gasped in pain when her mom tried prying her fingers open. Abby stood up and grabbed some bandages. "I don't think any fingers are broken, so that's good, but I'm going to have to wrap your hand which means you'll have to open it up." 

Abby knelt down again, ready for whenever Clarke decided to deal with the excruciating pain. Like anyone would've done, Clarke hesitated. 

"Once your fingers are set, they won't hurt. I promise." 

Bellamy's smirk had long passed. He walked over to Clarke and held out his hand for her to grab. She gratefully took it and opened up her bruised hand, sending waves of pain through her body. The longer her hand was open, the harder she squeezed Bellamy's.

"Careful, princess, you just might break my fingers," he jokingly warned. 

Abby was right, once her fingers were all wrapped, they barely hurt anymore. Clarke breathed out and let the death grip she had on Bellamy's hand go. 

Miller's dad then walked into the room. "You got a minute, Blake?" He asked almost urgently.

"Everything okay?" Abby asked him. 

"Yes, ma'am. Just something I want to discuss with him."

Abby seemed to understand, and Bellamy gave Clarke a questioning look. "I'm fine," she reassured him. 

With that, Bellamy left with Miller's dad, leaving Clarke and Abby alone. 

Abby finally brought up the elephant in the room. "Have you talked to Finn since it happened?"

Clarke looked down at her hand. "No. I don't know what to say."

"I don’t imagine you're going to forgive him any time soon, so why are you so angry at him?"

Clarke sighed. "I'm not angry at him. I'm angry that I don’t love him anymore. I'll be able to forgive him, but…," she trailed off.

"But you won't be able to see past what happened," Abby finished for her. 

"I want to love him so badly, Mom," Clarke breathed out. "But Bellamy and I…," she stopped and smiled. "I don’t know, I guess."

"Clarke," Abby said. "You can't force anything, especially now. If you love Finn, you love Finn. If you don't, you don’t. We don’t know how long we'll have here before the Grounders attack, you know that. I've seen you and Bellamy, and if you love him nearly as much as he seems to love you, I wouldn't let that slip away. Finn needs time to cool off and to forgive himself." 

Clarke leaned forward and hugged Abby. "Thanks, Mom." 

Abby smiled. "Sure thing." 

"Sorry if I'm interrupting something," Bellamy said, cautiously leaning up against the door frame. 

Abby quickly pulled out of the hug. "That's okay, Bellamy, I was just finishing up." 

She made a quick exit, throwing a wink in Clarke's direction who blushed like crazy. 

"What'd Miller's dad want?" Clarke asked. 

Bellamy let out a stressed sigh. "He wants me to run a mission today back to the drop ship. They're thinking of setting up some sort of base there. I told him the place was burned to hell, but he still wants to go." 

Clarke stood up and started to walk towards the door. "Oh, well, I'll come with you. See if I can convince them otherwise." 

Bellamy stopped her in front of him. "You aren't coming, Clarke." 

She gave him a confused look. "Why not?" 

Bellamy glanced down at her bandaged hand. 

"It's fine, Bellamy," Clarke tried convincingly. 

He chuckled. "Tell that to my hand that you squeezed the crap out of." His tone turned serious. "But hey, I wasn't kidding about what I said before. I hate seeing you in pain, and I'm not going to willingly put you in a position where you could get hurt more. You won't be able to shoot a gun with your hand like that anyway." 

Clarke just rolled her eyes and pushed past Bellamy. Even though she understood why he was doing what he was doing, it still made her extremely angry. If Bellamy were going back to the drop ship with anyone other than guards, she'd sneak out and go with him, but she knew Bellamy was serious, and he'd make sure she wasn't following him when he left. 

Bellamy jogged to catch up with her. "I want you to come with, but we're at war. If things go wrong and something happens to me, at least I know that you're back here safe and that you're keeping everyone in line. This place wouldn't last long if both of us were gone." 

Clarke smiled at that. "When are you leaving?" 

"Few hours, I guess. I should go pack some things, though." 

"Yeah, of course, go. I'll find you before you leave." 

Bellamy gave her shoulder a squeeze before disappearing into his tent. Clarke sat down at a nearby table, trying to collect her thoughts when Murphy walked up to her.

"What, the princess didn't get enough sugar in her tea, so she took it out on a wall?" He joked. 

"Not in the mood, Murphy."

"Kidding, kidding," he said, taking a seat across from Clarke. "Why'd you really do it?" 

"Isn't it obvious?" Clarke mumbled, looking at her hands. 

"No, not really. I've been around you long enough to know that you wouldn't get that heated over Finn doing what he did. Sure, you're pissed, but-"

"I don't have to explain myself to you," Clarke snapped. 

"You love him, don't you?" He pressed. 

Clarke groaned. Why was everyone concerned about her and Finn's nonexistent relationship? "After what he did, no, I can't. Even if the council forgives you guys, I'm not going to be able to."

Murphy furrowed his eyebrows. "What- no, not Finn. I'm talking about Bellamy, your knight in shining armor," he explained with a smirk. Clarke blushed deeply, and Murphy took the opportunity. "So my suspicions were correct."

"It doesn't matter," Clarke said quickly. "We could both be dead tomorrow for all we know."

He sighed. "Yeah, maybe. But listen, you don't want that to happen with him not knowing how you feel. Trust me."

Clarke shrugged. "I don't know. This seems so unimportant considering the war we're about to have." 

"You probably won't take my word for it," Murphy started. "But love will keep you sane, especially at a time like this."

"I wouldn't know when to do it," Clarke said, trying to find any excuse to get out of this.

Bellamy came out of his tent and started making his way over to them. It looked like Clarke wouldn't get out of this, but when she saw him, she wasn't sure if she wanted to get out of it anymore.

"Now's as good of a time as any," Murphy said quietly to Clarke before getting up and walking away.

Bellamy adjusted the pack on his back before sitting in the chair Murphy left empty.

"Hey, you okay?" Bellamy asked after seeing Clarke's expression. 

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine," Clarke said in a rush.

Bellamy knew Clarke was lying and quickly got mad at Murphy. "He did something to you, didn't he?" He questioned, jumping to conclusions.

"No, no, he didn't," Clarke said. "Can we go somewhere?" 

For once, Clarke was anxious, and her mind was jumbled. Bellamy gave her a look. "Sure…," he trailed off, confused.

Before he could get anything else out, Clarke was already up. She led Bellamy back to the ark and in the room where she had previously punched the wall. 

Bellamy closed the door behind him. "What's going on, Clarke?" 

Clarke knew she wouldn't be able to tell him exactly how she felt, so she decided to show him instead. She walked up to him, cupped her hands around his face, and kissed the hell out of him.

It took Bellamy a second to realize what was going on, but it didn't take him long to wrap his arms around Clarke and kiss her back harder. Even he was wanting to tell Clarke how crazy he was for her, and it seemed like all that needed to be said was held in that kiss. 

The kiss simmered out, and Bellamy was the one to pull away. He stood there, stunned for a little bit. Yes, Clarke managed to silence the ever cocky, confident, and outspoken Bellamy Blake. 

"Be careful out there," Clarke said quietly, a little out of breath. 

Bellamy finally found his smirk again. "Depends. Will there be more of this when I get back?" 

"You're such an ass," Clarke said laughing. "But yes, if you want there to be."

"Clarke, I've wanted this longer than you know. And I may be an ass, but now, I'm your ass." 

Clarke put her head in her hands and shook her head. "Oh God, please don't make me regret this." 

Bellamy just laughed and took Clarke's hands away from her face. She wrapped his arms around him, praying this wouldn't be the last time she would get to do this.  
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Bellamy and the guards had left five hours ago, and they still weren't back. Clarke had been pacing for the last two hours straight and was about ready to go out and find them herself. 

Before she could, she heard someone yell, "Open the gates!" 

Clarke ran outside and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw a very tired looking Bellamy leading a very tired looking group of guards back into Camp Jaha. At that point, Clarke didn't care whether he was covered in blood or sweat. She ran at him and hugged him with every ounce she had. 

Bellamy grunted at the impact but then relaxed and wrapped his arms tighter around her. It was like déjà vu to when they first reunited before going after Finn. Only this time, the hug meant more. Clarke felt the muscles in his back loosen.

"Hi," he breathed into her neck. 

"Hi," she whispered back.

When they pulled away, Clarke checked Bellamy up and down to make sure there wasn't anything wrong with him. 

"Clarke- Clarke," Bellamy said sternly, trying to snap her out of it. He took her hands in his. "I'm fine, okay? We're all fine." 

Clarke took a deep breath. "Where the hell were you guys?" 

Bellamy hesitated. "It just took longer than expected," he said, clearly not saying everything.

Clarke saw right through it. "There's something you're not telling me," she said accusingly.

Bellamy pulled her aside, away from the growing crowd wondering the same thing she was. "I'll explain everything later, okay, I promise." 

"Bellamy-," Clarke started to protest. 

"If it had anything to do with the Grounders, I'd tell you. This can wait until the morning. All I really want to do right now is sleep." 

Clarke nodded, feeling silly for pressing him. "Right, of course." 

"Hey," he said softly. "I meant all I really want to do right now is sleep, but with you next to me." 

Clarke just blushed as they walked back to Bellamy's tent. She couldn't believe that all of this could happen in the span of two days. She knew she should be focused on Finn and their friends in Mount Weather, but she needed this right now. Being with Bellamy felt right because he was the only strong constant in her life since they arrived on the Ground. She thought she had loved Finn, but she knew she loved Bellamy.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still during the two day time skip between 2x05 and 2x06

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should hopefully have Part 3 up soon! Enjoy!

When Bellamy woke up the next morning, Clarke wasn't next to him. He sat up and saw that her boots and jacket were gone, too. He could hear voices talking right outside his tent, Clarke's being one of them. Bellamy got up and threw on his own jacket and shoes before walking out into the blinding sun.

"Morning," he greeted Clarke, walking up behind her.

She turned around and looked anything but happy. "When were you going to tell me that you guys saw Grounders yesterday?" She demanded.

Bellamy looked to Kane and Abby, hoping they would back him up somehow. When they didn't, he took a breath and led Clarke back in his tent. 

"I lied to you last night," he admitted. 

Clarke stood near the exit with her arms crossed over her chest. "Really," she said flatly.

"It's just that you were so worried, and it really wasn't that big of a deal-" 

"That big of a deal?" Clarke interrupted. "Bellamy, you heard the Grounders planning an attack on Mount Weather to capture our friends as hostages to use against us. That's a pretty big deal." 

"It's a big deal if they ever get the chance to get to Mount Weather. We're not going to let that happen." Bellamy sat down on his cot. "What happened yesterday is being blown out of proportion by Kane. We had heard a group of Grounders talking about wanting to attack Mount Weather because they thought we were somehow connected to them. Their commander wasn't even there, Clarke. Yes, we need to get to Mount Weather to save our people, but the Grounders won't attack today or tomorrow. It's all just talk."

Clarke was still frustrated but not so much at Bellamy anymore. She sat down next to him. "We still need to get a team out there, to figure out what we're up against. I didn't get much of a chance to look around when Anya and I got out. But with this whole thing with Finn, my mom's not focused on much else until they come up with a decision on what to do with him." 

Bellamy rested his hand on Clarke's knee. "We'll figure something out. If no decision is made about Finn in the next two days, we'll get Raven and go by ourselves." 

Clarke just sighed. "Yeah, okay." 

"What else is bothering you?" Bellamy asked, concerned.

"We know that Mount Weather is controlling the Reapers which means they have more power than we thought. I'm thinking that we're going to need more than just us to get through those doors."

"You're suggesting we make peace with the Grounders," Bellamy clarified. 

"Yes- I don't know. I think we're naïve to think we can do this by ourselves." 

Bellamy chuckled and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her into him. "Have a little faith, Clarke," he said jokingly. "I do agree with you, though. We're not strong enough by ourselves."

He kissed the top of Clarke's head, and she pulled out of the embrace. "Did you guys even make it to the dropship?" 

Bellamy shook his head. "It would've been too dangerous." 

Clarke ran a hand through her hair. "I'm always going to worry about you, you know," she said. "Hell, I was even worried about you when Dax tried to kill you, and I didn't even like you then." 

Bellamy smiled. "You know I worry about you, too, Clarke, but if there was ever a situation where it's between me or you, you better choose yourself every time. This place would fall apart without you." 

"I think I'll take that risk. I don't think I can handle pulling another lever on you, hoping I'm not getting you killed in the process. I've done that once, and it cowardly and selfish of me." 

This was the first time Bellamy and Clarke had time to actually discuss what happened. Bellamy in no way blamed Clarke for what she did, and he couldn't believe she thought she was selfish. 

"Hey, you saved so many people. Don't think for a second that you aren't the reason we're all still alive. If you love someone, set them free, right? I came back to you, Clarke, and I always will because I love you."

Clarke was shocked to say the least after that, but when Bellamy kissed her, she kissed him back twice as hard. "I love you, too," she said against his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :) Let me know what you thought!


	3. Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This part takes place right after 2x08. Clarke struggles to deal with what she's done, and Bellamy does everything he can to help.

Bellamy was still holding onto a sobbing Raven on the ground when Clarke walked back into Camp Jaha. Once Bellamy caught a glimpse of her, he decided it would be best to get Raven as far away from Clarke as possible unless they wanted another person dead. 

"Come on," he said, helping her up. "You don't need to see this anymore."

Raven just nodded as she wiped her nose on her sleeve. Bellamy tried to usher her away before she saw Clarke, but he was naïve to think that would actually work. He could feel Raven tense in his arms when she saw Clarke. 

"Raven, think about this," Bellamy sternly warned.

She ignored him. "Clarke!" Raven shouted angrily, breaking through Bellamy's grip to run at her. 

"Raven!" Bellamy called after, running up and grabbing her around the waist to pull her back.

Clarke didn't budge much. She just looked over at them with this cold, empty expression that iced Bellamy to his core but kept walking through the gate without acknowledging them. 

"How could you?!" Raven screamed, struggling against Bellamy's arms. "You told me nothing would happen to him! You promised!" 

Bellamy was having a hard time keeping Raven on the ground. He knew that if he didn't hold on to her, Clarke wouldn't stand a chance, especially in the state she was in. Bellamy brought his lips close to her ear. "Finn wouldn't want you to do this, Raven. Think about Finn." 

At the mention of his name, the tears started flowing as Raven lost control of her senses again. She all but fell to the ground and just stared at Finn's body that was still hanging limply on the tree the Grounders tied him to. Bellamy put his hand on her shoulder and looked over at Clarke who had stopped in her tracks right after the gate closed.  
She turned around and was also looking back at Finn's body, her non bloody hand wrapped around the metal fence. Bellamy noticed she kept looking down at the knife in her hand, wondering if she actually killed him or if it was just an extremely bloody nightmare. 

Abby ran over to Clarke which finally pulled her from the trance she was in. Clarke turned back around, and Abby immediately went to hug her, but Clarke started talking before she could. "We feast tomorrow to celebrate peace and discuss strategies against Mount Weather," she stated with no emotion in her voice. 

"I don't care about that." Abby still had tears running down her face as she tried once more to embrace her daughter. Clarke wasn't having any of it and simply walked away, her sunken, pale face seeming to be incapable of any emotion. 

Abby just started crying harder. Kane came up and wrapped his arm around her, leading her the other way. "Just give her some time, Abby," he said softly.

Raven, hearing the exchange between Abby and Clarke, started to get worked up again. She stood up. "You're not just a killer, Clarke! You're a coward, too, who's just as bad as Murphy!" Raven called after her. 

Clarke acted like she couldn't even hear Raven and kept on walking. Bellamy, who was more focused on Clarke, had a loose grip on Raven that she easily broke through. She took off after Clarke, but the guards were on her before long. What worried Bellamy was that Clarke didn't do anything to stop Raven. She probably would've let Raven kill her if Raven ever got to her. He needed to talk to her, but he needed to get Raven taken care of first. 

He went over to the guards who held Raven. "I got her, guys," Bellamy said, reaching for Raven's arm. 

The guards looked at each other hesitantly, but after what had just transpired, decided to let her go. Bellamy wrapped his arm around her shoulders partly so she didn't run off and partly to comfort her. 

"My tent is the other way," Raven reminded Bellamy.

"I'm not taking you to your tent," he responded. 

Just as Bellamy thought, Wick was still in mechanics trying out new designs for things Kane needed around camp. He looked up when Bellamy and Raven walked in and gave them a weird look. 

"Hi…," he trailed off, confused. 

Bellamy unwrapped his arm from around Raven, and she went and sat on a stool. She was pissed off and wanted nothing more than to go find Clarke, but at the same time, she was extremely exhausted and also wanted nothing more than to go crawl in a ball and cry. 

"She doesn't touch Clarke, got it?" Bellamy warned to Wick.

Having not seen Finn's death, Wick was more confused than ever and figured the two girls just had some sort of disagreement. As Bellamy turned to leave, Wick wiped his hands on a rag and stopped him. "Hey, they're adults, and they can work it out for themselves whatever the issue is." 

Bellamy pulled him over to the side. "Finn is dead," he said in a low voice. "And Clarke killed him." That was explanation enough. Wick's eyes went wide. "Raven needs time to grieve. If she's around Clarke, that's not going to happen." 

"Yeah, sorry, say no more. I'll take care of her," Wick promised. 

"Thanks, man." Bellamy gave a pained look to Raven seeing the state she was in. "It's going to be okay," he tried to assure her. 

"Oh, screw you, Bellamy," she fired back through tears.

Wick furrowed his eyebrows and went over to Raven. He wrapped his arms around her, and Bellamy just barely caught what he said to her. "He's just trying to help, Raven, take it easy."

Raven's anger seemed to calm down, but where she was lacking in anger, she made up for in sadness. The last thing Bellamy saw before he left them alone was Raven hugging Wick back as she completely fell apart for the third time that night.  
________________________________________________________________________________  
People were angry. That much was easy for Bellamy to see when he left Raven and Wick in mechanics. He walked up to a panicked Kane and asked what was going on. 

"They want us to lock Clarke up," he explained. "They think she shouldn't be treated differently because she's Abby's daughter. Things are getting out of hand." 

Bellamy walked to the front of the crowd. "Hey!" He yelled above the noise. Not everyone stopped talking but enough gave him their attention for him to continue. "Clarke gave Finn a merciful death, but if any of you dare to touch her, I can guarantee you I won't show you the same mercy. Without her, the Grounders would've attacked, and we'd all be dead. Clarke made a choice that none of you could ever make; a choice that will keep us alive for another day."

Without waiting for a reaction, Bellamy turned and walked to find Clarke. All he was hoping was that he found her alone in her tent. He could only imagine what was going on in her head right now.

She wasn't facing Bellamy when he pulled back the curtain to her tent. Clarke seemed to be staring at nothing and everything. The knife was still clenched in her hand, and blood – Finn's blood – was dripping from her hand onto the ground. She stood motionless and remained motionless as Bellamy let the curtain fall behind him. 

If Clarke heard Bellamy move towards her, she didn't show it. "Clarke," Bellamy said hesitantly, walking up behind her. 

She sucked in a breath and spun around, pointing the bloody knife right at Bellamy. Her knuckles were white, but she couldn't stop her hands from shaking. 

"Woah, okay," Bellamy said quickly yet gently. "It's just me." 

Clarke blinked a few times and seemed to come back to reality. Bellamy looked in her eyes and pried the knife out of her hand. He placed it on a small table next to her cot. When he looked back at Clarke, she was staring at the ground.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, clearly not just apologizing for almost stabbing Bellamy.

Bellamy shook his head. "Come here," he said, pulling Clarke into his arms.

When she finally wrapped her own bloodied hands around him, Clarke fell apart. Bellamy kissed the top of her head multiple times as she sobbed into his chest. 

"What the hell were you thinking?" Bellamy asked into her hair. "They could've killed you."

Clarke, however, was not focused at all on that. She only saw flashbacks of red: the red of her hands, the red of the growing stain on Finn's shirt, and the red of the knife she pushed into his stomach. "There was so much blood," she sobbed. "I- I should've fought harder for Finn – for all of us."

Bellamy grabbed Clarke's shoulders then cupped his hands around her face. "Listen to me," he said sternly. "You knew exactly what they were going to do to Finn. You saved him, just like you saved Atom in the forest."

Clarke took a deep breath, putting on her stone face again. "If I saved him, he'd be here, and Lexa would be dead." 

"Clarke, you did what you-" Bellamy started. 

"Don't you dare," Clarke snapped at him, stepping away. "Don't you dare tell me that I did what I had to do. Finn's dead because of me, Bellamy. I deserve to be locked up, to take Finn's place. I deserve for you to walk out of this tent and never to talk to me again. What I did is not okay." 

Clarke's chin started to tremble, and the tears started again. She sat down on her cot and put her face in her hands, the drying blood becoming wet with tears and now staining her hair. "It's not okay," she squeaked out.

Bellamy squatted down in front of Clarke and grabbed her wrist. "Clarke, look at me," he pleaded. "You know more than anyone that what Finn did was eating him alive. If by some miracle the Grounders had let him go, we wouldn't have been able to protect him in the war." 

"They'll never forgive me," she whispered, boring her bloodshot eyes into Bellamy's. 

It physically hurt Bellamy to see that desperate, guilty look in Clarke's eyes. He knew that this wouldn't end tonight. The guilt and the hurt would stay with Clarke for a long time. "Those people out there will realize that you just saved them all, okay? One day, they'll understand that they need you just as much as I need you." 

Clarke shook her head and stared back at her red hands. "I suppose I shouldn't go out there, should I?" 

Bellamy stood up and grabbed a canteen of water from the corner of her tent. "No, you shouldn't." He brought the canteen back to Clarke. "Not that I would let you, anyway. Raven was ready to rip your head off."

Bellamy knelt down in front of her again and poured water over Clarke's bloody hands. She tried to scrub Finn off her hands and out of her mind. "Can't say I blame her," she responded solemnly. 

Clarke continued to scrub at her hands even after most of the blood was washed away. Bellamy reached over to grab a rag. He got it wet and carefully ran it over the blood stains on Clarke's face, still noticing the extreme pain in her eyes. After he was done, he kissed her forehead then stood up to squeeze the rag out. 

"Bellamy?" Clarke said, getting his attention. "Will you stay here tonight?" She asked warily and quietly. 

"Of course," he responded like he'd already been planning on it. 

Clarke sprawled out on her back on her cot before she heard Bellamy take off his shoes and squeeze in next to her. It was a tight fit, but Clarke liked being so close to him. 

"Thank you," she whispered. 

"Always," Bellamy said back before adding, "I love you." 

Clarke just nodded in response and stared at the tented ceiling. Minus blinking, she never shut her eyes the entire night. Thoughts swarmed her mind as she scratched at her hands, feeling as if there was still fresh blood on them. She let a single tear escape while she wondered what kind of hell she would have to go through to get past this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Let me know what you thought:) Part 4 will be up soon!


	4. Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after Clarke kills Finn, Bellamy helps her calm down and ends up feeling more confused than ever.

Bellamy was in a bit of a panic. Clarke wasn't in bed when he woke up which wasn't a big deal at first, but it had been twenty minutes, and nobody who he asked knew where she was. The thing that bothered him the most was that he didn't know where Raven was, either. 

Finally, Bellamy saw Wick coming out of his tent and prayed that he knew something that everyone else in Camp Jaha didn't. 

"Hey," Bellamy said, jogging over to him. "Have you seen Clarke?" 

The both of them started walking back toward Mecha Station. "Well, hello to you, too," he said sarcastically. "And yeah, she was in the kitchens an hour ago, but I doubt she's there anymore."

"The kitchens?" Bellamy questioned. 

Wick shrugged. "She was doing something by the sink. I tried talking to her, but she seemed pretty distracted." 

Bellamy sighed. "And Raven?" 

"She's not good." Wick hesitated then continued. "I heard her cut the power to her gate this morning, and I tried to get her to come back, but Raven's stubborn." 

Well, at least Bellamy knew Clarke's limbs would be intact when he found her. "Yeah, no kidding. Did she take a gun with her at least?" 

"Yeah, I wouldn't have let her leave without one," Wick said. 

Bellamy felt a little better knowing that Raven had someone else to look out for her besides Finn, but he knew it didn't make much of a difference to her now. 

"Thanks again for last night. I know I didn't give you much of a choice," Bellamy said as they stopped in front of the kitchens. 

"Yeah, no problem, I'd do anything for Raven," Wick admitted. He noticed the anxiousness in Bellamy. "Go. Make sure your girl is okay."

Bellamy raised his eyebrow. "What do you,-" he started. 

"Oh, come on, Blake. Do you really think everyone's that blind?" Wick chided. "I heard how you stood in front of an angry mob last night and defended Clarke. If that's not a proclamation of love, then I don't know what is." Bellamy blushed as Wick just smirked. "Now, go. I'll let you know if you need to worry about Raven." 

Bellamy nodded and went through the kitchen door. Wick was right, if Clarke was in there an hour ago, she probably wasn't anymore. It was a start, though.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Clarke heard Bellamy come up behind her, but she didn't stop scrubbing her hands. She wasn't sure how long she'd been at it, but she could still feel the blood seeping through her fingers. Part of her knew there was no blood, but the image of Finn's dead body hung stronger in her mind. 

She saw Bellamy turn off the faucet, but she kept scrubbing. She heard him grab a towel and try to grab her hands, but she kept scrubbing. She heard him speak her name softly, but she kept scrubbing. Clarke finally snapped out of it when Bellamy literally pried her hands apart from each other. 

"The- the blood," she muttered, trying to rip her wrists from Bellamy's grip.

"Clarke," he spoke convincingly. "There is no blood." 

"What- yes, there is," Clarke replied breathlessly to Bellamy like he was crazy for not seeing it. 

Bellamy shook his head. "You cleaned the blood off your hands last night in your tent. I watched you do it. There is no blood," he emphasized. 

When Clarke looked down at her hands again, she did see red but not from blood. It was red rawness she had scrubbed and scratched into her own hands that burned like a sunburn when Bellamy ran his thumb over the back of them. 

Bellamy tried to dry her hands off, but Clarke once again pulled them away. "Trust me," Bellamy said.

He looked into her sleepless, bloodshot eyes and gently took her hand in the towel again. Clarke just looked away, trying not to break down again. 

"You didn't get any sleep last night, did you?" Bellamy asked. 

Clarke shook her head. "No," she said, voice cracking.

Bellamy wanted to do everything he could to help Clarke. He couldn't imagine what was going on in her head, but he thought sleep might make her forget about everything.  
"Well, I don't think you'll miss anything if you sneak away now. I'll just wake you up before the feast," he suggested, taking her other hand in the towel. 

Something in Clarke snapped. "I can't risk this truce not holding by sleeping time away that we could be spending strategizing our attack on Mount Weather."

Bellamy finished drying Clarke's other hand, and she subconsciously started rubbing at them again. He gave her a pleading look, but she just rolled her eyes.

Bellamy sighed. "Screw the truce for right now, Clarke, what about you? You're just going to stop taking care of yourself, stop eating, stop sleeping over a truce that isn't even set in stone yet?" 

Clarke stepped closer to Bellamy, and she almost wanted to kiss him, but that was just because of the red in her eyes and the delirious state she was in. "I don't know if you get this," Clarke said, getting more pissed off. "But we're on the verge of a war, possibly two. I don't really matter right now." 

Bellamy walked over to the sink and gripped the sides of it, debating on how to blow up at Clarke for saying she didn't matter. Clarke was one of the only good things that had come out of them being on the ground. Bellamy couldn't stand her feeling like this.

Clarke didn't take that as a good sign. "You wouldn't be the first person to tell me I don't matter, Bellamy Blake, and you sure as hell won't be the last. So don't be a coward about it." 

Bellamy spun back around. "Dammit, Clarke, of course you matter! You matter to the people you saved by killing Finn last night. Might I keep emphasizing the fact that we'd all be dead right now if last night went differently? You matter to our friends in Mount Weather because they care about you enough to fight back against the bastards trying to kill them. And you matter to me more than anybody else." He walked closer to her. "Okay, maybe not as much as Octavia, but you get my point." 

Clarke actually let a small smile pass her lips. "And because you matter so much to me," Bellamy continued. "I demand that you go back to your tent and try to sleep because like you said, we're on the verge of war, and leaders need their sleep, too. Now, come here," he said, pulling her into a hug. 

"I hate it when you're right," Clarke muttered into his shoulder. 

"You love me," Bellamy countered back, smiling. 

"Maybe just a little." 

Bellamy kissed her forehead. "I love you, too."  
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Clarke found herself once again staring at the ceiling of her tent. Her thoughts were louder than the preparation going on outside. She took a deep breath and tried to push away all the memories of last night that continued to surface. She thought of Bellamy instead and how much she really needed him. Clarke needed to fight through all this so that someday, they could both just be happy without having to worry about wars and getting killed. 

She kept picturing the two of them in the future, and it helped her finally fall asleep. The dream that followed, however, was much less appealing. 

Clarke's Dream  
Everybody was standing at the gates of Camp Jaha helplessly awaiting Finn's death. Nobody wanted to watch it, but they needed to show the Grounders that the Sky People weren't as weak as everybody thought. Clarke stood at the front with tears in her eyes, holding on to a tiny piece of hope that Finn didn't have to die. What he did was wrong, but killing him was not how to resolve the issue. 

The person the Grounders brought out to be tortured was not Finn, however. Clarke felt a rush of air leave her lungs as she stared in disbelief. 

"Bellamy?" She breathed, feeling the world press against her chest.

Clarke turned around and scanned the crowd for his familiar hair, but she couldn't find him. She turned back to the fence and pressed her hands up against it. This, she realized, is how the Grounders were going to start the war. There would be no alliance. They were going to kill and torture one of the Ark's strongest people. 

She stood silently for a second as she watched their enemy tie up the one person she needed most. 

"Oh my God, is that Bellamy?" Raven questioned next to her. 

Clarke took a shaky hand off the fence and furiously wiped at her tears. "Raven," she spoke steadily. "I need to get out there. Now." 

"Meet me by my gate in five minutes. I'll come with you after I cut the power." 

Clarke shook her head. "He doesn't have five minutes. Make it two or I'm leaving without you." 

Raven just nodded and pushed her way through the crowd. Clarke was once again kicked in the stomach when she heard Bellamy cry out. She spun back around and resumed her position at the fence. The Grounders had taken a rod and heated it in fire. They were taking turns burning Bellamy, and Clarke couldn't bear it. 

People had started to realize that Finn wasn't the one being tortured, and chaos was starting to break out. Octavia pushed her way to the front. "Bell," she whispered, barely audible. 

Clarke turned to her. "I'm going to get him down whether it kills me or not." 

Octavia wiped her nose. "I'm coming with." 

All the strength Octavia always seemed to have vanished when she heard her brother cry out. It rendered her speechless, and Clarke saw it. Octavia knew deep down that she wouldn't be able to handle going with Clarke and Raven.

"If Raven and I don't make it, Octavia, this place is yours. Fight like hell." 

Without letting Octavia respond, Clarke started towards Raven's gate, praying that she would already be there. Clarke tried not to let Bellamy's screams get the better of her, but she knew she'd take down every single Grounder in her way to get to him. 

Luckily, Raven was waiting for Clarke by her open gate with two guns in her hands. "Ready?"

Clarke took a deep breath, grabbed a gun, and walked out. Bellamy's shouts got louder, and the two girls took off running to the other side of the hill. 

They didn't stop until a group of Grounders, including Indra, blocked their way. If they thought Bellamy's shouts were loud back at camp, Clarke and Raven had no idea what they were getting themselves into. 

Clarke stepped right up to Indra. "I need to talk to Lexa about the truce." 

Indra chuckled. "You stupid girl," she spat. "There was no truce, never will be." 

"Bellamy's innocent. He didn't do anything," Clarke said, voice getting more desperate. 

"He's a Sky Person, isn't he?" Indra taunted. "Sounds pretty guilty to me." 

"Indra!" Lexa called from behind her. For a second, Clarke thought Lexa would show some mercy. But that hope ran out quickly. "If they came to see the show, let them have a front row seat." 

Clarke angrily pushed past the Grounders, gripping the gun in her hand tightly. "Why are you doing this, Lexa?" She questioned.

Lexa avoided the question. "You can try and stop this all you want, Clarke, but it's not going to fix anything." 

Bellamy cried out again, and Clarke's eyes darted over to him. She ran over and punched the Grounder who was actually laughing at Bellamy's pain. Raven backed her up by punching the next one in line, too. 

They had ripped off his shirt, and his skin was beat red in some places, charred in others. He was sweating and breathing heavily. 

Clarke brushed his sticky hair out of his face. "I'm going to get you down, okay?" 

"Clarke," he breathed out. "Don't. They'll kill you," was all he managed to say before he had to stop to take deep, ragged breaths. 

"Yeah, well, right now they're killing you, and I'm not going to let that happen."

The Grounders seemed to enjoy watching Clarke struggle to get Bellamy down. When she finally started to make progress on the ropes, Lexa said, "Grab her." 

Strong arms encircled Clarke and pulled her away from Bellamy. She tried to fight back, but she wasn't quick enough. 

The one that had Clarke threw her on the ground followed by Raven. 

Lexa unsheathed her sword and walked up to Bellamy. "That was cute," she said loud enough for Clarke and Raven to hear her, too. "You love her, don't you?" 

Clarke could barely see Bellamy nod behind Lexa, but it was enough. A tear trailed down her cheek. 

"If we hit her from behind," Raven whispered to Clarke. "You can grab Bellamy, and I can fight the rest of them off." 

Before they could do anything, Lexa spoke again. "She loves you, too." She put the tip of her sword against Bellamy's stomach. "The thing about love, Clarke, is that it's equivalent to weakness. Everyone you love dies, anyway. It just hurts more when they do. I'm going to save you from that pain," she spoke while looking Bellamy straight in the eye. 

Lexa plunged the sword straight through Bellamy, and the scream that should've come out of his mouth was replaced with Clarke's.  
_________________________________________________________  
Clarke shot straight up in her cot and felt hands immediately cup her sweaty face. Once her eyes focused, brought them to meet Bellamy's concerned, wide ones. 

"Hey, you're okay," he said in a calming voice. "It was just a dream. You're okay." 

Clarke took a couple of deep breaths. "What happened?" 

Bellamy took his hands off her face as Clarke brushed hair out of her face. "I could hear you screaming all the way across camp. I ran here as fast as I could and tried to wake you up." 

Clarke remembered her dream and stood up quickly. "You shouldn't have come." 

Bellamy's eyebrows knit together. "What, and worry if you were in here getting attacked or killed?" 

She grabbed her jacket off the ground. "Yes," she said walking out of her tent, leaving Bellamy to wonder what the hell just happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you thought:)


	5. Part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it's been forever. I'm so sorry I haven't updated in such a long time! I hope you guys enjoy this, and let me know what you think:)

She had told him it was worth the risk. She had told him that he should risk his life by going into Mount Weather. She had told him she was being weak when she said she couldn't lose him like she lost Finn. She basically told him she didn’t care about him. 

At least, that's what it seemed like to Clarke. She held down the regret in her throat like the alcohol she just chugged to keep the alliance strong. Clarke kept her distance from Bellamy on the way back to camp despite his many attempts to get her attention. 

She didn't like shutting him out, but sometimes she had to do things she didn't like for the better of everyone else. 

Clarke heard a voice calling her name, but she couldn't shut it out like Bellamy's because it wasn't Bellamy's voice. Raven walked up next to her, and Clarke could feel the people around her tense and start to walk slower to give the girls some space as they reentered Camp Jaha. 

Clarke broke the two days of awkwardness between them. "I'm surprised they didn't take you out on a stretcher." 

Raven snorted. "Surprised? Clarke, I'm missing some skin off my arms and neck. Nothing compared to what Gustus went through; what Finn would've gone through," she added quietly. 

They stopped outside the medical tent. Clarke put a hand on Raven's shoulder. "We'll talk after my mom fixes you up, okay? I'll be in my tent." 

Raven just nodded, and Clarke was thankful she was finally getting somewhere with her. Walking back to her tent, the true regret of what she told Bellamy finally hit Clarke. She expected him to be planning with Lincoln about how to get into Mount Weather. She did not, however, expect him to be waiting for her in her tent. 

He stood up when she walked in. "What the hell was that back there?" He asked angrily. 

Clarke took her jacket off. "It worked, didn't it?" She snapped back. 

"Yeah, and what if it didn't? I don't think I've ever met anyone with a bigger death wish than you." 

All the regret Clarke just had quickly vanished. Bellamy was being difficult just for the sake of being difficult. He was being his old, stubborn self, and Clarke wasn’t going to deal with it now. They needed to be on the same page, and Clarke quickly came up with the decision of not backing down for the sake of her people.

"Don't give me that 'what if' bullshit, Bellamy. You should be strategizing with Lincoln not ripping on me for saving Raven and this alliance." 

"You really want to take that risk?" He challenged. 

Clarke threw her hands up. "I already told you I did, Bellamy!"

Bellamy ran a hand through his hair. "Right. You were 'being weak' before," he said, quoting Clarke. 

"Yes, I was. You're the one who suggested this in the first place, Bellamy, don't forget that. You're a coward if you back out now." 

They were standing face to face now. Clarke's arms were crossed, her cheeks red with anger. Bellamy was frowning with furrowed eyebrows.

"Listen here, princess," Bellamy started, words laced with poison. 

That crossed the line for Clarke. Red instantly flashed in her eyes, taking her back to Finn's death. She poked her finger into Bellamy's chest. "Don't ever call me that." Clarke spoke low and serious. 

Bellamy was taken completely by surprise, but before he could question Clarke, Raven poked her head through the tent. "Hey Clarke – Oh, sorry, should I come back?" She questioned awkwardly when she saw the glares she was getting. 

Clarke came back to Earth and cleared her throat. "No, it's fine," she said completely unconvincingly. 

"Really, Clarke?" Bellamy asked, feeling defeated and drained. 

"You should go find Lincoln. We can't waste any more time." 

"Fine," he agreed, "but I'm not leaving this camp without an explanation and a proper goodbye." 

He pushed past both Clarke and Raven, making sure they both knew how pissed off he was. Clarke sat down on her cot and rested her elbows on her knees. 

"Everything alright?" Raven asked hesitantly. 

"No," Clarke admitted. "But when has anything been alright down here? How are you feeling?" 

"I've had better days," Raven responded. "Listen, Clarke, I can't forgive you for what you did to Finn. I don't know if I ever will be able to, but I do understand why you did it." 

To say that Clarke was shocked was an understatement. "You do?" 

Raven nodded. "Watching Gustus die like that…," she paused. "I just couldn't stop thinking about what they would've done to Finn." 

"I don't expect you to forgive me, Raven. I can't even forgive myself, but the only thing we can do now is get our friends out of Mount Weather. You and I both know that that's what Finn wanted." 

Raven wiped a tear out of her eye and smiled. "Agreed. Also, sorry for almost ripping your head off that night." 

"Hey, I would've done the same thing," Clarke said. 

Raven chuckled. "Are you going to come see Bellamy and Lincoln off with the rest of us?" 

"Um, yeah," Clarke hesitated. "You go on, though, I'll catch up with you in a little bit." 

"Hey, you heard what Bellamy said about a 'proper goodbye'," Raven joked, nudging Clarke.

Clarke just nodded, feeling almost on the verge of tears. Everything was so messed up. She wanted Bellamy to leave because it was the only way they could get into Mount Weather, and not to mention the fact that she was quite pissed off with him at the moment. At the same time, the thought of letting him go and possibly never seeing him again made her insides churn. While Clarke was caught up in these thoughts, she didn't see Raven leave her tent.

"Hey, Raven?" Clarke called, hoping she didn't get too far.

A moment later, Raven popped her head back in. "Yeah?" 

"Before I - Well, before Finn died," she caught herself, "he wanted me to tell you that he'll always love you. He said that you'll always be more than family to him." 

Clarke didn't want to have to lie to Raven, but this could be the only way to get her to move on.

Raven smiled, and Clarke could almost see the weight of the world come off her shoulders. "Thanks for letting me know," she said simply. 

When Raven left Clarke alone in her tent, Clarke took a couple of deep breaths. As much as she loved Bellamy, she had to push that aside and be strong for her people.   
Apparently, she couldn't catch a break. The second she stepped out of her tent, Murphy was right there next to her. 

"Were you just listening to our conversation?" Clarke accused.

Murphy shrugged. "I thought maybe I'd get to see a good, old-fashioned catfight."

"Not in the mood, Murphy." 

"Are you ever in the mood, princess?" Clarke cringed at the word but kept walking. "I know you still blame me for this mess, and I really don't care."

"But?" Clarke pressed. 

"Why'd you lie to Raven just now?" 

She scoffed. "What makes you think I lied to her?"

"Come on, Clarke, Finn loved you. He only loved you, and if he knew that you were going to kill him in order to save him, he would make sure you knew that he loved you. He wouldn't want you to feel guilty." 

"A little late for that, isn’t it?" Clarke asked rhetorically. "Anyway, we need Raven on our side when we go against Mount Weather. We won't win without her, so we need her focused."

"Looks to me like you're digging yourself into a growing hole," Murphy pointed out as the two approached the gates of Camp Jaha. 

Clarke caught a glimpse of Bellamy and Lincoln around a group of people saying goodbye to them. "Yeah, well, I really don't care what it looks like to you, Murphy. What's done is done." 

Murphy held his hands up in surrender. "I just thought I should let you know so that you don't keep lying to Bellamy, either." 

Before Clarke could punch him in the face, Murphy turned and walked away, opting out of the goodbyes.

Clarke felt it wasn't any of Murphy's business what she did or didn't tell Bellamy or anybody else for that matter. It was her problem, and she would have to deal with it alone now. She walked over to a table and sat down figuring that Bellamy would find her before he left if he wanted to. 

Sure enough, five minutes later, Bellamy walked up to the table Clarke was at. Seeing the look on her face, Bellamy dropped his stuff on the ground and sat across from her. 

"Clarke, I'm sorry about-" he started. 

"Don't," Clarke cut him off. "Don't apologize." 

"I can't leave here knowing that you're pissed off at me. We both know what could happen if something goes wrong." 

Clarke needed to stay focused on the plan or else she was going to fall apart and never let him leave. "That's why you're going to make sure nothing goes wrong. Otherwise, our friends will die." 

Bellamy furrowed his eyebrows. "God, Clarke, this isn't just about our friends," he argued.

"It is only about them," Clarke emphasized. "It is only about them and only about keeping them alive." 

Bellamy shook his head as Lincoln came up to the two of them. "Hey, Bellamy, I don't want to interrupt, but we should get going." 

Clarke quickly stood up. "Yeah, you guys should." Bellamy hesitantly stood up. He pulled Clarke into his arms, but she pulled out of the hug right away. Her heart was breaking, but she forced a hard smile. "Be careful and don't forget the plan." 

Bellamy saw past her bullshit. "I love you, okay? I don't care how mad you are at me, but you have to know that. I love you," Bellamy explained. 

Clarke just nodded and tried not to look at him. She turned to Lincoln and pulled him in for a quick hug. "Look out for him, please," she begged Lincoln quietly so only he could hear. 

Lincoln heard the way her voice cracked and agreed understandingly. 

Clarke stood back and watched Bellamy and Lincoln walk out of Camp Jaha not knowing whether she'd ever see them again. Looking at Bellamy, Clarke regretted not telling him how much she cared about him. She regretted it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


	6. Part 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy this and sorry it's so short. I think you guys will really like the part after this one;)

He should've contacted them by now. He should be home by now. Half the camp was taking bets on when he'd call, and half the camp was taking bets on when the Mountain Men would return his body on a flaming stake. 

Clarke didn't take part in either. She knew he was late, and she wanted to think that he'd contact them just like the plan mapped out, but she had to face the fact that there was a chance he didn't make it. All she was sure of was that something must've gone wrong. Every day Bellamy didn't call instilled more and more fear and regret into her, and she hated not knowing what happened. 

Clarke couldn't keep her mind off of him, and it wasn't hard for Lexa to tell. Both of them were discussing plans at the Grounder's camp. Well, they were supposed to be discussing plans. It was more of a one-sided conversation. 

"Listen, Clarke," Lexa said, getting fed up with Clarke's unusual quietness. "I know you trust Bellamy, and I know you trust that he's made it in, but we need to be prepared in case he hasn't." 

"I know, I know, sorry. I'm just worried about him, more than I thought I would be." 

Clarke knew Lexa wasn't interested in hearing about her and Bellamy's relationship, so she left it at that. 

"Excuse me, Commander," Nyko said, stepping into the tent. "There's someone here to see Clarke."

He was clearly trying to shield the person from the outside, not wanting them to get a glimpse at what Lexa and Clarke were working on. That person, however, was either stronger or just stronger-willed and pushed through. 

"Mom?" Clarke questioned. 

"It's Bellamy," Abby said, out of breath. "You have to come back to camp." Without a second glance back, Clarke quickly followed her mom out of the tent. "Here, you take the horse." 

"Wait, Mom, is he…" Clarke trailed off. 

Abby smiled. "He's talking to Raven on the radio," she assured her daughter. 

Clarke breathed out a two weeks' worth sigh of relief. She hugged Abby before hopping on the horse, a huge smile on her face. He made it.   
_______  
The ride back to Camp Jaha was the longest of Clarke's life. She jumped off the horse after getting through the front gates and ran to mechanics where Raven was with the radio.   
When she heard Bellamy's voice coming from the radio after entering, Clarke nearly cried. He was alive, and even though she never said it before, that was truly the only thing that mattered to her. She may have told Bellamy otherwise, but the way Clarke felt the last few weeks completely contradicted that. 

After Raven saw Clarke enter the door, she smirked. "Hey, Bellamy, hold that thought," she said looking at Clarke. "I've got a better one for you." 

"Reyes, what are you talking about?" Bellamy questioned. 

Raven had already handed the receiver to Clarke, though. She gave Clarke a squeeze on the shoulder and left the room. Raven had seen how Clarke had been the last few weeks without Bellamy, and she was almost as happy as Clarke that Bellamy made it to Mount Weather alive. 

"You scared the hell out of me, Bellamy Blake," Clarke spoke into the receiver. 

She could almost hear Bellamy choke on his own saliva. "Clarke?" 

Clarke smiled. "It's good to finally hear your voice again." 

"You have no idea," Bellamy responded. 

"What took you so long to get there? Are you okay?" 

Bellamy hesitated. "I'm fine now, thanks to Jasper's friend Maya, but it was Lincoln, Clarke. He took one look at the drugs, and he couldn't resist them. I have no idea where or what he is now." 

Clarke sat down on a bench, resting her elbow on the table, fingers massaging her forehead. "Dammit. What am I supposed to tell Octavia?" 

"Nothing," Bellamy quickly responded. "There's no reason for her to know now. She'll only run off to find him. That's beside the point right now, though. Things are moving way too quickly in here. They're bleeding more and more people. Something has changed, but I need more time to disable the acid fog."

Clarke already started to think of how to buy him more time. "Alright, I'll come up with something. Raven will help you navigate and turn off the acid fog as long as you can stay unnoticed by the guards." 

"I'll do my best," Bellamy promised. "Clarke, as much as I love talking to you and as much as I wish I could keep doing it, I can't. I have to get moving if I'm going to get a chance to get downstairs while the guards are changing shifts." 

"Of course, just one more thing." 

"Yeah?" 

Clarke had set Bellamy free, and he came back to her because he loved her. Bellamy had let Clarke go when he left for Mount Weather, and it was about damn time that Clarke came back to him. 

"I'm sorry, I love you, be safe, and I'll see you soon." 

Bellamy let out a chuckle. "I think that was four things but ditto to all of them."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you thought:)


	7. Part 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this has taken forever for me to upload. Wrote this chapter a while ago in the POV of Bellamy after Clarke left at the end of Season 2. I'm really debating starting a new fanfic and letting this one go.... What do you guys think? As always, thanks so much for reading!!!

When I had finally walked through the gates of Camp Jaha, after staring for a good five minutes at the vacant spot she had previously stood on, I was scared for her. For Clarke. I knew she could handle herself out there, but I couldn't help but wonder what would happen when the Grounders found out about what we'd done at Mount Weather. Clarke may have trusted Lexa, but I didn't. Not after she betrayed us. 

After a few weeks, I was beyond sad. It ate me up inside to have to make decisions without her. It ate me up to hear everyone calling her a coward and constantly having to defend her. I always expected her to come back, to pop out of the bushes like she'd pranked us all along. We weren't that lucky.   
I think we all were scared when we realized she wasn't coming back after a few days. There was a collective feeling of emptiness, a collective feeling of "oh shit, what are we going to do now?" 

We rebuilt. We renamed the camp "Arkadia" after hopes of Jaha coming back ran out. We developed strong rules. We became a community. We eventually made peace with the Grounders again, against my wishes. I remember thinking that if Clarke would've been there, things would've been different. She would've fought with me, defended me like she always had. 

I watched Jasper drink himself to hell every night. I watched him and Monty's friendship disappear. I watched Raven try to tell everyone she was okay when we all knew she wasn't. I watched Octavia drift from Lincoln because of his alliance with us. I watched the empty half of my cot every single sleepless night become emptier and emptier as she was gone longer and longer.

As far as I knew, as far as any of us knew, Clarke was never coming back. The thought of her dying out there never crossed my mind, though. I knew that she was smarter than that. 

But I also thought she was selfish. The more that she was gone, the more I felt that she betrayed us, just like Lexa had. She was always harping about putting our people first, about doing what is right for them, and yet, she did the exact opposite by walking away. I tried for so long to understand why Clarke did what she did, but I never could. 

So I got angry. I stopped spending five hours in the woods trying to find her. I stopped leaving space for her in my cot in case she came back in the middle of the night. I stopped replaying the last time I saw her in my head. I stopped wondering where she was, what she was thinking, and how she was doing.   
I moved on. What else was I supposed to do? When she walked away from me, I might as well have been as dead as Finn: killed at the hands of someone who loved him, someone who thought she was saving him in the process. I needed to move on from that.

One thing hasn't changed, though. I'm still in love with her. 

That's what hurts the most.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading!


End file.
